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Facing My Own
(Almost) Empty Nest
When I was a young
mother, older women would smile at me and my tribe and say, "Enjoy
them while they are small. Time goes by so fast. Before
you know it they will be all grown up and leaving home."
Frankly, I didn't believe them. As a young mom of four, with
three of them being under 4 years old, I couldn't even imagine a
time when they were all potty-trained, let alone grown up.
But, alas, these older ladies were right. As I sit alone in my
home with my husband on a Saturday morning, lingering over the
morning newspaper, it is hard to believe I have no one to "mother",
unless you count the cat and the dog!
While I loved my children, I always looked forward to this day, but
when it actually came, I wasn't prepared for the feelings that would
well inside of me. Maybe because my nest was emptied so
suddenly.
My kids have always
been an independent lot. I've raised them to be that way.
They've worked side jobs since they were old enough to have a paper
route, paid their own bills for the "extras" they wanted, and have
made their own decisions since I can remember. So why was I so
shocked when my youngest graduated high school and came to me that
very summer with his older brother saying they wanted to move into
an apartment together? My oldest had tried moving out a few
times, but always ended up back home. I wasn't real surprised
he wanted to move out, but my baby? He just graduated...he
still NEEDED ME...didn't he? Apparently not in the same way I
had thought!
I was good about it. We discussed the matter and I explained
all the grown up responsibilities that came with moving out, but
they were adamant. So, I supported their decision as they
looked for a suitable apartment and proceeded to move out on their
own.
The first several weeks were very hard for me. While the boys
weren't far away, they didn't come to see me much and made it clear
they needed their space to grow and be independent. Which
meant I'd have to back off. I found myself grieving the loss
of my boys. Yes, they were still near, but my role had changed
and I needed to let go. I would find my self alternating
between being sad they were not home for me to "mother" and angry at
them for leaving me! I know it was irrational, but that was
how I felt. In fact, one day my youngest came over and I was
acting mad at him. He said, "What did I do?" and I stopped a
minute to think. With tears in my eyes (and voice) I squeaked
out, "You grew up!" We both burst out laughing (did you know
it is possible to laugh and cry at the same time?). That was a
turning point for me. Once I realized that I was angry at the
inevitable fact that children grow up and grieving the loss of my
role as mom, I was able to move on and begin building a different
relationship with them.
So, here I sit,
enjoying a quiet day with my husband, tinkering with my computer and
websites. My youngest stopped by to get his work clothes he'd
asked me to wash. My eldest boy called to tell me the movie he
saw last night was awesome, and my daughter called me (while she
lives at home while attending college she's often gone out of town
overnight 3-4 days a week) to make sure I was taking care of her new
kitty that she'd asked me to baby sit. They still need me and
I still need them. Just in a different way. Change isn't
always easy, but it is good. I'm now looking forward to the
other changes I will experience during this next season of my life.
Bring it on!
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